I want to start with I was misdiagnosed in 1997 with the custody loss of my daughter. I broke down emotionally. I shut myself off from people and kept the pain inside. I never knew how to express myself.
I started throwing things away, I told my sister that I had been exposed to biochemicals. She ended up taking me to the psych ward. They told me it was hallucinations. That was in 2002, look at what’s coming out on the news now.
In 2009, I ended up back in the psych ward, in there I wouldn’t take my meds or eat. I told them there was poison in the meds and the food. They said it was hallucinations.
I don’t know what year it was, I was sitting in the recliner in a trance, and I felt blood going down my hands and the thorn crown going on my head. My sister and mom came over and tried to get me out of it, they couldn’t, so they took me to the psych ward. I never told them or the doctor what I felt or what happened. I allowed them to think I was mentally ill. My family wanted me to stay on medicines, what I really needed was someone to talk to.
I was in the psych ward for psychosis and manic episodes is what they say. I spent a few times in the psych hospitals for depression. I worked in a factory that I hated and was under a lot of stress and was very unhappy. While I was married to my daughter’s dad, I was very unhappy. I never communicated with him. I lacked communication skills at that time. I blamed him for years until a few years ago until I was able to look at my part and wrote a letter.
The next to the last time I was on the psych ward. I was crying so hard and I felt like I turned my back on God. My sister came over and asked me why I wasn’t taking my meds. I told her I was. She took me to the hospital, and we were in the waiting room, I started to feel better. She told me that I wasn’t going home and that she was leaving me there. I was only in there for a few days. I was so angry with her, on the way home she jumped all over me for not taking my meds. I started trying to steady my breathing and she asked me if she was going to have to take me back.
The last time I was in the mental hospital was when I was surfing the internet and something came up about indictments and FBI agents. It scared me, I got my bag of clothes and got in the car, was going to hospital. I got lost and ended up at a store and they called the ambulance and took me to a different hospital. I knew if people knew too much, they would end up d*ad. It was a lock up unit and I felt safe. That’s when they told me that you only were supposed to be on a benzo for only a short while. I was on it for 9 years from 2009 until 2018. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks. While in there, they gave me medicine for seizures, which I never had. I was on so much medication. While on the benzos, I was over medicated. When I got out of the hospital, I went to the pharmacy and the last time I got my prescription filled was in March, this was the end of July. As soon as I got out, I fired my psych doctor for over medicating me. He gave me medicines that made me eat and I gained weight; he said that that’s what the medication did. A few times he complained about me gaining weight. I stopped taking all my psych meds about a year after that. I haven’t been on psych meds since. I had real bad withdrawals from the benzos that I was on for about a year. I never want to be on psych meds again. I don’t trust doctors. I feel much better emotionally, mentally and spiritually now.
The way I see it now is that it was the conditions I was living under. My sister told me last year that I was a lot nicer when I was on them. To me, I was a people pleaser and never stood up for myself, she still doesn’t understand me. She doesn’t want to know me, neither does my daughter. I could get upset, I know that they have their own soul path to take, if it doesn’t include me, I’m okay with that. I no longer have to dismiss my needs. I always wanted to do for other people, for once I’ve learned that it’s what I want that counts.
If I said anything to someone that they didn’t know, they would ask me, “Are you taking your medicines? There is a stigma about mental health. There’s a lot of things in the world that causes stress and depression. I learned how to meditate and pray. Now I rather listen to music, read, write or just sit in stillness. I had to rewire my brain. I allowed other people to control me, telling me how to act, think and feel. When I told the people in AA that I wasn’t coming back to AA, they quit calling or never returned my phone calls. They talk about how much they care, they always say “Stick with the heard” and “Meeting makers make it” I get tired of hearing it. Since I woke up to the real world and not the illusion, I can see things that I never saw before.
They call it “The Great Awakening” and now for me, it’s “The Great Remembrance” I remember what the ancestors stood for. I want to go back to simple world. People made things with their hands, and we didn’t have the internet. I’ve got to ask myself; do I want the next generation to be stuck on the internet? No, I don’t. Children are the most important people in the world. How many children have been hurt by social media?
