I want to go over my experience with mental illness. My diagnosis as having a psychotic break was when I went in the treatment center to get off of drugs and alcohol. In the treatment center, I was remembering things too fast and was crying a lot, plus I wasn’t honest about the street drugs I was taking. The director told me to go take a shower, and when I was in the shower, it felt like 2 forces fighting over me. Of course, God won, that experience showed me that God was with me.

We had to write a case history, and I wrote “My sister made me eat grass, and I had to have my stomach pumped out” That got me to see a psych doctor, believe it or not, my regular doctor and the psych doctor looked a lot alike. Plus, their names were about the same. I ended up being transferred to the 8th floor on the psych ward. I remember being so paranoid, downstairs when registering to go upstairs, I asked mom if I had cancer. I felt like I was dying.

When upstairs, I was so paranoid, I was in the bathroom and I heard a gunshot, it scared me. The staff was playing scrabble and the words made me feel safe. When I was out there drinking and doing illegal drugs I hung around with a guy that worked at the liquor store and carried a gun. While high, he would get it out and mess with it. Looking back, I could have easily been shot and killed.

I had racing thoughts; I couldn’t slow my thoughts down. My psych doctor told me to tell them to stop, that never worked. I never liked taking psych meds. I tried to get off of them, and my mom told him and he let me know plainly not to get off of them without his permission. I kept going to AA meetings and to appointments to see him. I guess I only seen him for a year or two and I stopped taking my meds. While in the hospital, the diagnosis was psychosis and borderline personality disorder. I found out about 7 or 8 years ago if you stop marijuana, it can make you have a psychotic break. I didn’t know that. So that’s something that I want to say is do your own research on anything and don’t take anyone’s opinion or what they think. Trust yourself and your Creator.

That was my first stay or bout with mental illness. The second time was when I told my ex-husband that I wanted a divorce, quit smoking, had female surgery and lost custody of my daughter all at the same time. That was a shock to my system. I was very heart broken, all that I could do was cry and at work all that I could do was think. In October of 1996 was when he got temporary custody of her. We had to go to parenting classes, which I never went to.

We went back to court for final custody, in my mind it was a game, I told him he could have everything. I wasn’t mentally stable at that time; I lost everything in the divorce. I just took what I needed and left everything else because my daughter wasn’t going to do without. I ended up having a psychotic break and a manic episode. My sister and mom took me to the hospital. In there, they diagnosed as manic depressive and not as a mother who lost custody of her daughter. They put me on psych meds again. I was definitely not in my right mind. Looking back, after all the anger that I held for him all the years until years ago, I was able to write him an amends letter and forgive him.

I’ve got more psych hospital stays since 1997 and I will share more later when it comes to me. If anyone goes to a psych doctor and they diagnose you, please get a second opinion. One thing in my research over the years is the psychologists and psychiatrists have to give a diagnosis in order to get paid. There’s big money in big pharma.